Dear Savicki: I am a 17-year old gal who dates a 31 year old loser. I can't understand why I am attracted to him, he lives with his parents and doesn't pay child support on his three kids. He's great at sex but that's not everything. I love him, but what should I do?

Steve Savicki responds: If you really love him so, you'll break up with him so he won't end up in jail for statutory rape. You're still a minor- I bet your parents are scared witless of you!

Dear Steve: I am a 38 year old gay male and my partner has strayed. We have been in a mongomous homosexual relationship for four years, but recently I found a blue dress of "hers" stained with another man's semen. I can't believe that two timing bitch! Should I tell "her" to talk to the hand???

Steve Savicki responds: Ask her how and why the semen is on that dress. Decide if you truly love her and still want to be with her and then make your decision from there. If you want to be with her, approach her in a non-intimidating manner, but be firm and tell her you don't want this other guy getting too personal in her life. "It's one or the other," as Paula Abdul sang in her last track on her first album.

                                                 

Dear Mr. Savicki: Every time I am with my girlfriend, she reaches orgasm. I have an average size penis, but Steve, she has been with A LOT of other men (who I am sure have had bigger and better penises). I hate the idea that she "compares" me to them and often wonder if she is getting off as good with my smaller penis. Any advice???

Steve Savicki responds: Tell her if she truly loves you, she will drop the comparing. We are each unique and individual creations from God. No one has a right to compare one to another. Besides, if she wants a guy for his dick, let her go. She'll find out the hard way through experience the relationship with a guy with a bigger dick is just bliss and then she'll be dumped... by then you'll probably be with a true and better woman anyways. So chin up soldier, you've won!

                                                                                                                   

Yo Steve man: Help a nigga out. My bitch be all cracked out, hoin around all the times. I juss don't know what I gon' be doin'. Now LOOKEE HERE BOY, I think she be havin' da AIDS and whatnot. Whats a nigga to do, G?

Steve Savicki responds: Since America strives to be a drug free America, I'd say dump her. Heroin possession is against the law, you don't need to go to jail because for that. Besides, if she has AIDS, she's already dying anyways. She can have sex with some other doped up dude who also has AIDS. What's the dif, when you got it, you got it! Better enjoy all those sexual pleasures they can before the AIDS virus kills them! You can do better than that, G.! There's a brighter future out there. -Steve Savicki, Partnership for a drug-free America!

Steve: I am currently having sex with three chicks. One of them told me that she has an STD. I know this means something bad about sex, so I need to know about this STD. I am really scared because when I urinate, it seems to be cloudy and my penis seems to "leak" all hours of the day for no reason. I have a rash in my public area. What does it all mean and what should I do? HELP PLEASE!!!"

Steve Savicki responds: You need to stop having sex with all those women which spreads Sexually Transmitted Diseases (I pray to God you didn't give it to the other two), and go check in the emergency care center and pray to God your insurance or the government (public's tax dollars) will cover the bill(s)!

                                                             
Mr. Savicki: I just found out that my husband is having an affair with my best friend. It hurts so much, I feel like I have been stabbed in the back. Does he truly love me like he says he does? Do you think he loves her too? I am so confused and don't know what to do. What is your advice?"

Steve Savicki responds: I would get a divorce; there are many advantages to being single. And no, he doesn't love her... otherwise he would've already divorced you to marry her.

Dear "GREAT ONE" - I am a webmaster of a prominent hitch1969/Van Halen site. My fucking ex-wife fucks everyone, and wants me to PAY her to do this, all the while, denying me any of that skanky pussy. She calls it "child support"- I call it "Reward The Whore" justice... Now the state is going to take my driver's license because I won't pay. Steve, one guy to another: What the fuck should the hitchman do???

Steve Savicki responds: I would go onto the Judge Judy show... she'd tell your ex-wife what "child support" is. They alredy had an episode with a woman with children from 4 different fathers. She tried to collect from one. If you can't embarass her, surely Judge Judy can all over the television network.